Cell Phone Rules
Copyright 2002 W. Bruce Cameron — Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
Not so long ago, there were no cell phones. When you drove to someone's house, you were expected to know how to get there; you didn't call them at every turn for the next half-mile's worth of directions. When you listened to talk radio, only other people called in, people who had nothing better to do and could phone the program because they were locked away in insane asylums. When you were running late to a meeting, you couldn't call in to say you were not there-people had to look around and reach that conclusion on their own.
The lack of cell phones meant you would often see a whole restaurant full of people talking to each other across the table. People with pagers had to find a pay phone; today, they can respond without standing up (though no one has yet explained to me why someone with a cell phone needs a pager). The people with the first cell phones were assumed to be rich; today, people without cell phones are assumed to be unimportant. In Santa Monica, CA, homeless people are given cell phones because otherwise they would be living under inhumane conditions.
The new technology has spawned a new etiquette. From observation, here are what I believe are the new Cell-Phone Rules.
When at the airport, it is very important to talk loudly on the telephone while standing in line, so people will know how vital you are to the world economy. Bellow statements like "But it's a million-dollar deal!", and "if we don't deliver the product today, all of Asia is pudding!" If you are unemployed, call your wife and shout these things at her. If you are unemployed and you don't have a wife, well, at least you have a cell phone.
If someone calls during a movie, answer the phone and shout "Why are you calling me? I can't talk now, I'm in the middle of a movie!" This will let the rest of the audience know that at least one person watching this film is an idiot.
When talking on the cell phone in a restaurant, don't hog the conversation to yourself. Speak loudly enough to share it with everyone.
While driving, make sure you fall into one of the following classifications:
The Drifter: Gradually decreases speed while easing to the right or left. People behind him are not sure where he is going, and are afraid to attempt to pass for fear he'll hang up and suddenly rejoin traffic. Drifters are hypnotized by each other; get two or three of them in a row, and they all do whatever the one in front is doing.
Top Gun: Violently changes lanes, cutting people off and zooming into impossibly small gaps in traffic. Maintains acceleration even while dialing the telephone-let's hope he's calling a life insurance agent.
Free Bird: Uses a "hands-free" microphone so he can gesticulate with both hands. Go ahead, I'm sure your conversation is more important than, say, everybody's safety.
The Octopus: Drives with a stick shift and a cell phone and looks up telephone numbers in his hand-held computer, possibly while sending a fax or tying trout flies. Steers with his knees. It is rather disconcerting to see an Octopus pulling around a corner, especially if you are a pedestrian with an aversion to being described as "the victim."
The Concerned Driver: Pulls over to the side of the road to have a conversation, steering his car well out of traffic and not rejoining the flow until he's finished. If you've seen this, you've probably also spotted Elvis Presley eating at a burger joint in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
As I understand it, recent studies have proven that cell-phone usage is no more distracting to a driver than having a live rattlesnake in the front seat. There's also evidence that long hours of cell phone use sends harmful radiation into your skull, though most cell-phone users probably have nothing to worry about: To suffer ill effects to your brain, you must have one to begin with.
The way I've seen people behaving, this doesn't seem to be much of a concern.
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